the nutcase

Bowow Barbecue

girlmonkey — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 17:05:00 +0000

Sometimes, I like to take my dog with me when we go golfing. Then I like to tie him up near a maintenance shed in the hot sun. It's great fun for him. At least until he gets stolen and eaten.

Hilarious.

girlmonkey — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 22:10:00 +0000

America's Joyous Future

girlmonkey — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:45:00 +0000

Whoever made this ROCKS.

girlmonkey — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:41:00 +0000

And I sooo want to go HERE. Someday.

Orange County Full of (Recycled) Crap

girlmonkey — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:37:00 +0000

Which is to say, Orange County residents will be consuming, of their own volition, treated sewage water along with their regular drinking water.

The liberal environmentalist in me says YAY ORANGE COUNTY! The anxiety-prone hypochondriac says, "eeeewwww!"

"But on Nov. 30, for millions of people here in Orange County, pulling the [toilet] lever will be the start of a long, intense process to purify the sewage into drinking water — after a hard scrubbing with filters, screens, chemicals and ultraviolet light and the passage of time underground.'

RECESS

girlmonkey — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 04:11:00 +0000

I understand what it means now, and so can you. Uncle Jay explains how hard our congress works.

Nature is Neato

girlmonkey — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 04:02:00 +0000

Universe to Peeping Toms: You've Stunted My Existence.

girlmonkey — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 03:55:00 +0000

Nice. As if we already weren't killing ourselves with global warming, ozone depletion and oil spills. Now, because some scientists had to be all looky-looish, they may have gone and wrecked existence for the rest of us.

According to an article that will appear in New Scientist, "Prof. Krauss states that 'incredible as it seems, our detection of the dark energy may have reduced the life expectancy of the universe.'"

My paltry explanations cannot do it justice. Read the article. And maybe don't watch your kids so much while they sleep. Because, really... who knows what a little voyeurism can do?

A gift for the president

girlmonkey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:50:00 +0000

My favorite amendment? I don't know, there are soooo many to choose from. Right now I'd have to say FREE SPEECH.

And if you act now, you can exercise that right by going to Center for Constitutional Rights, and for a small donation, they will send (on your behalf) a copy of the Constitution to President Bush, along with the following letter:

Dear President Bush:

Enclosed please find a copy of the U.S. Constitution. I wish you'd make some time in your busy schedule to read it.

I would have hoped that you'd be pretty familiar with it already, because you have at least three times in your life taken a solemn oath to uphold, protect and defend it, but all the signs indicate that you either don't know what's in it, or you don't care.

For example, do you recall what the Constitution says about habeas corpus? It's only 26 words, and they are very clear: "The Privilege of the Writ of Habeas Corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in Cases of Rebellion or Invasion the public Safety may require it."

So, what were you thinking when you signed the Detainee Treatment Act, which does precisely what the Constitution forbids by suspending habeas corpus?

And while you're at it, why not take a look at Article VI, part of which seems to have escaped your notice: "This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land."

If you understand that treaties are the law of the land, where do you get the nonsense you put out on a regular basis about torture? Because, as surely someone in the White House must be aware, the U.S. is a signatory to the international Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment.

The convention against torture makes a clear statement, which (according to the Constitution) is the "Law of the Land:" "For the purposes of this Convention, the term 'torture' means any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him or a third person information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity."

Just read it, Mr. President. And then uphold, protect and defend it, like you swore you would.

Nifty.

Nice hair

girlmonkey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:46:00 +0000

I know I was supposed to be impressed by his mad skillz, but I was really more taken with his 'do. That, and his pouty lip.

What really matters in life: Guitar Hero

girlmonkey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:40:00 +0000

I've noticed that in life, some people simply don't care. Some people are too wrapped up in their tiny, insignificant existences to even see the bigger picture. But I see the bigger picture. I see the triumph. I know this guy's struggle.

BEHOLD: The GREATEST Guitar Hero player EVER!

So many bums to sniff... so little time.

girlmonkey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:14:00 +0000

Hmm...
Originally uploaded by sepultura

Man Has Sex With... Bike

girlmonkey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:11:00 +0000

Taking desperation to a whole new level, a man in Scotland was recently sentenced to three years probation for attempting to have sexual relations with his bicycle. Yes. His bicycle.

"Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex."

A spokesperson for the bicycle has called the sentence "a travesty of justice." The bicycle is currently seeking counseling.

What it takes to make a woman...

girlmonkey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 05:26:00 +0000

Being animated is no easy task. If ever you wondered what complexities lay beneath the details of woman... this will answer for you. Bonus: It's artistic.

http://www.akenini.com/imagesfun/mini_animations/77.gif

Fat might not be so bad afterall.

girlmonkey — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 20:51:00 +0000

Don't eat eggs! Wait-- eat eggs. Definitely carbo load! Wait-- don't carbo load, eat protein. Lose weight! No weight-- NO WAIT!!

Just in time to further confuse the populace and help us all rationalize our weight gain this holiday season, a new study was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that being overweight might actually be GOOD for your health.

"The bottom line, the scientists say, is that modestly overweight people demonstrate a lower death rate than their peers who are underweight, obese or -- most surprisingly -- normal weight."

"Moderately overweight" is defined in medical terms as "not a total lard ass."

"The Office" is Closed.

girlmonkey — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 20:11:00 +0000

Fans of the show "The Office" will have to cringe in mortification elsewhere, as the WGA strike has officially closed down production of the popular sitcom.

Mr. Daniels [showrunner Greg Daniels] says he arrived at 4:15 this morning [Nov. 5] and none of the show's actors have crossed the line. “The Office” cast includes several performers who are also writers on the show, like B.J. Novak, Mindy Kaling and Paul Lieberstein. “Office” star Steve Carell is a WGA member and is not showing up for work as well, he said.

Cut-throat World of Bridge Causes International Political Uproar- AGAIN

girlmonkey — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 19:37:00 +0000

The game of bridge has long been known as a game of cold-blooded deceit, of underhandedness and -- dare I say it -- skulduggery. This hard-core game of chance is only played by those skilled and heartless enough to continually deceive others.

It comes as no surprise, then, after the Great Trump of the 1824 games, that the Bridge World Championship would be rocked once again, finding itself at the center of international controversy.

"A team of women who represented the United States at the world bridge championships in Shanghai last month is facing sanctions, including a yearlong ban from competition, for a spur-of-the-moment protest.

"At issue is a crudely lettered sign, scribbled on the back of a menu, that was held up at an awards dinner and read, “We did not vote for Bush.”
"By e-mail, angry bridge players have accused the women of “treason” and “sedition.” "

Let's just watch the language there, ladies.

"I'll have what she's having."

girlmonkey — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 19:29:00 +0000

In the hopes of dealing with her depression, Sarah Carmen began taking anti-depressants at the age of 19. The result was a different kind of happy: Up to 200 orgasms per day.

Show off.

Geeks in Uproar: Winona Ryder Steals the Role of Spock's Mom

girlmonkey — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 21:52:00 +0000

On my list of chronic concerns: How will we stop global warming? How will we find peace in the middle east? And, of course, who on gawd's green Earth made Winona Ryder Spock's mom?

Yes, in the latest Star Trek installment, the actress cum shoplifter has lifted the role of Spock's mom. Trekkers and geeks everywhere are appalled.

"I'm not a Winona hater...but Spock's mom isn't Vulcan, isn't brunette, and isn't the type that Winona is good at," a user going by the name Toroth's 1st Officer posted in response to the announcement on a thread entitled "What the F---!" on TrekWeb.com."

MYTHBUSTER: Women Actually DO Like Sex

girlmonkey — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:58:00 +0000

To be filed under the DUH category: A recent study, published in the journal Sex Roles (a fairly common magazine to which we ALL subscribe) finds that women, once in a relationship, have the same attitude towards sex as men. However, it did find that women were twice as likely as their male counterparts to remove their socks during intercourse. (I made that last part up, but I think it's true anyway.)

BREAKING NEWS: Boy George: Unattractive & Bloaty

girlmonkey — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 21:38:00 +0000

Oh, yeah, and he was arrested for chaining up a 28-year-old-male who went to his apartment as a "photo model." Clearly this is not your mother's photo shoot.

“I was convinced I was going to die. George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed
as they held me down,” he said.

Karlsen met the singer on the website Gaydar and agreed to go to his place for a
payment of 400 pounds."

Sometimes, when I meet people on a hook-up Web site and they say they will pay me a large sum of money to come to their private home, I don't expect shenanigans either. OR that it *might* have anything to do with, I donno, SEX.

And uhm... who is this "they"? Curious....

Then:

Now:

Man Found in Jetway (covered in salad dressing) Was Only Wearing One SHOE!

girlmonkey — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 21:36:00 +0000

Alone, "thick-tongued" and confused, a bewildered man -- unable to comprehend why he wouldn't be allowed on his flight-- was arrested. He was also covered in salad dressing. What type, we do not know. The bigger faux pas, however, even larger than being slathered in a condiment, was the fact that the silly man was only wearing ONE SHOE.

Wow. What is this world coming to? Honestly.

Paris Hilton: Coming to the Aid of Binge Drinking Elephants Everywhere

girlmonkey — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 21:33:00 +0000

After her brave stint in prison, Paris Hilton is using her powers of recovery for the benefit of those who look up to her most: pachyderms.

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," the 26-year-old socialite said in a report posted on World Entertainment News Network's Web site."

Thank GAWD a celebrity of note finally stepped up to address this epidemic.

DaVinci totally Scored, dude

girlmonkey — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 22:30:00 +0000

It's not what you're thinking. (You dirty thinker, you!)

"An Italian musician and computer technician claims to have uncovered musical notes encoded in Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper," raising the possibility that the Renaissance genius might have left behind a somber composition to accompany the scene depicted in the 15th-century wall painting."

Nicolette Sheridan had sex with Michael Bolton?

girlmonkey — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 22:28:00 +0000

Well, it HAD to have happened, based on the following report:

"Actress Nicollette Sheridan is pregnant with fiance Michael Bolton's baby, according to new reports.

"Friends claim the "Desperate Housewives" star, 43, is expecting her first child as she plans her wedding to the 54-year-old singer."

What a lucky kid. When s/he's 17, dad will be a strapping 71. They'll have so much to be able to relate to. Like, how come dad had this crappy hairstyle for so long: